As I washed my breasts in the shower with Hibiclens the night before my bilateral mastectomy, I couldn’t help but realize I was saying goodbye to them. These were the same breasts that had nursed my now-grown daughters, that had barely filled a training bra when I was 12, and that had been dressed in a perfect white lace strapless bra on my wedding day.

It’s hard to truly grasp how much your breasts mean to you until you’re faced with their loss. Saying goodbye to them felt like losing a piece of my identity—a symbol of my femininity that cancer was about to take away.

When I was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer 11 years ago, I never expected the drastic changes ahead. My 19-year marriage ended, and I found myself entering the 40-something dating world with reconstructed breasts, nipples, and no ovaries. My body, which I’d known for decades, became a stranger—transformed by surgery, scarred by loss, and struggling to fit into this new phase of life.

The impact wasn’t just physical. It forced me to see intimacy and sexuality in a completely new way. What once felt natural and comforting suddenly seemed complicated by my altered body. The fear of rejection and feelings of inadequacy became constant companions, often keeping me home on Saturday nights instead of venturing out into the dating world. When do I reveal that I had breast cancer? That I have reconstructed breasts? That I’m post-menopausal?

These concerns aren't unique to me.

Approximately 50% of people with breast cancer report some form of sexual difficulty, with 45% specifically struggling with sexual pain.

These statistics are reminders of the emotional and physical hurdles that often come during cancer treatment and beyond—hurdles that can make rebuilding intimacy feel overwhelming.

For me, intimacy wasn’t just about adjusting to my body’s physical changes. It also meant confronting the emotional toll—feeling less attractive, less feminine, and vulnerable with my new body. Dating and forming new relationships were already daunting, but adding these challenges felt like scaling a mountain.

The first intimate encounter I had after my divorce was a nerve-wracking experience. My hands were shaking as I went to take my top off, and before I had the courage to remove it, I told my partner that I had breast cancer, that I had reconstructed breasts, and that I had scars. But to my surprise, he simply said, "Melissa, so many women have scars. So many women have had breast cancer. You are beautiful." It was in that moment I realized that my body wasn’t as unique as I had feared, and that maybe I wasn’t as broken as I had convinced myself.

It’s easy to focus on our changed bodies and let the shame and unhappiness that a mastectomy can bring take over. But instead, I decided to focus on me—who I am as a person, not just my breasts. My sense of humor, my love for 80s music, my spontaneity, my willingness to try new things, and my passion for advocating for this disease have become my identity, not my scars. Embracing my changed body and redefining beauty for myself helped me achieve a new level of self-love and confidence.

Navigating intimacy and dating after breast cancer is difficult, no doubt. There have been plenty of moments of discomfort, self-doubt, and heartbreak. But every step toward self-acceptance has revealed a strength in me that I didn’t even know existed. The path wasn’t easy, but I discovered a version of myself that I love and appreciate even more than before—scars and all.

This is why I created the new podcast series, Empowered Intimacy: Getting Your Sexy Back After Breast Cancer. It’s about reclaiming your confidence and sexuality, not just during cancer treatment but as you move forward into the next phases of life. Hosted by myself and my co-host Deltra, a stage 4 metastatic triple-negative breast cancer thriver and single mom of five, the series tackles the often-untalked-about issues of sexual health and intimacy during and after a cancer diagnosis.

The four-episode series launched with the first episode on September 30th, focusing on "Learning to Love Yourself After A Breast Cancer Diagnosis." This episode explores the challenges of self-love and body acceptance after a diagnosis, offering personal stories and advice on rebuilding self-esteem and embracing the changes in your body.

Each of the remaining episodes will be released once per month through the end of the year, diving into other intimate topics like overcoming relationship challenges, dating again, and navigating sexual health issues post-cancer. Expect real, raw conversations that aim to make those going through cancer feel less alone and more confident in reclaiming their sexuality.

I’m grateful to be in a position where I can share my experiences and encourage others to embrace their new selves. We may be scarred, but we are not broken. We are strong, beautiful, and deserving of love—both from ourselves and from others.